For the last 3 years, I went full cyberpunk, joining Reddit threads full of losers with python fetishes discussing user interfaces and government mandated girlfriends. In my efforts to blend in, I spent countless nights hunched over a keyboard with a Celcius in each hand learning everything I could from this nerd squad.
Finally, I had acquired the knowledge necessary to construct the phishing email that got me access to the water bottle's Instagram account. The hard part was getting the bottle to open the email. I spent weeks performing meticulous word surgery to reach what came to be the most tempting email subject line in the history of SPAM emails: “bathroom tap party RSVP.”
Once I got access to the account, I needed to make sure the bottle could never have access to the public eye again. I sent a handwritten letter to Mark Zuckerberg and demanded he have the account taken down FOREVER! Little did I know, Zuckerberg was in the ridge of the bottle’s cap this whole time! and by that I mean the palm of its hand, but you probably wouldn't get that because my avg reader IQ is apparently 53 which should mean they CAN’T EVEN READ!! HOW!? IS THIS WHY NOBODY IS LISTENING TO ME???
Anyway.. the letters led the bottle straight to me. Not long after, my login attempts were unsuccessful, and it was at that point that I knew Zuck had Sucked that account back into his gluttonous portfolio of twisted investments (remind me to circle back to that). With zuccs unstoppable succ, the bottle has now regained its digital foothold and is primed to start posting again. It's hard to come to terms with my first true failure…
Regarding the bottle’s plan moving forward - it’s simple yet diabolical: use social media to infect your minds with its PFAS parasite. Yeah, heard of forever chemicals? The ones in your food, water, soil, testicles (or your mans/future mans testicles)? Yes those particles are ALIVE! A SINGLE ONE IS DEAD BUT 100 IS A HIVE MIND AND THEY WORK TOGETHER LIKE ANTS TO KILL AND ABSORB EVERYTHING AROUND THEM AND THEY CANT DIE THEY LIVE FOREVER AND THEY WILL CONTINUE TO ABSORB UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT! YOU THINK THE BOTTLE IS JUST TRYING TO KEEP YOU HYDRATED BUT IT'S TRYING TO MAKE YOU DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE!!! LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS!!! LISTEN!!!
